Thank you, thank you for joining us at Break the Parenting Mold, where Mom is a lot like Sybil, Dad is a lot like Ward Cleaver and the boy? Well the boy, he just can’t be pinned down…. This week we have explored the fact that “Mom”, also known as “Mama”, “Wife” “Mommy Dunkit” and “Mommy Butler” using the pen name of “Jen”, has become slightly schizophrenic due to a lack of sunshine and an over-abundance of completely useless snow. During this time period she has gone from a brief tangle with deep shock (this part is true) and near hysteria (this not so much) to many episodes of complete awe and disbelief (ie. when trying to help her husband find his car keys that “she lost” that were later found in his pocket, that “she must have put there when he wasn’t looking.”)
That brings us to a brand new segment on Break the Parenting Mold (insert melodious announcer voice here) we call it: 5 things you would have heard the boy say, or heard said to the boy, if you had been a fly on the wall.
1. Put down the gun and brush your teeth.
2. Hello Big Chief Key-Nide Mole
3. Can you please flitch that flitch?
4. I have to scream, if I don’t I’ll punch someone in the face.
5. You know why I like to play with fire? Because it’s orange, and orange is my favorite color.
6. Either you let me stay up late and tomorrow I’m a good nice boy who plays nice, or I go to sleep right now and tomorrow morning I punch Johnny in the face when he gets here. (the names were changed to protect the innocent)
8. If I can’t have a chocolate ching, can I at least have some chocolate bunkers?
9. I should invent a machine that makes people crazy.
10. I got my pipe and my tobacco and I went in there so I could have a smoke, would you mind getting me a light?
No animals were harmed in the making of this segment, number 7 was removed for inappropriate content and there was in fact no tobacco in the pipe, nor was the lighter real. Although it is his, it’s a Jersey Boys Zippo, blame his dad.