Dear Santa, Please Don’t

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Let me help y’all out, mkay? I am with this kid 24/7 – homeschooling is like that. I can tell you, without a doubt, what gifts not to buy a boy. OK, at least my kid does NOT need  these for Christmas this year. And if you love me – and my sanity, you’ll take notes.

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Husband – (Besides the whip I fortunately caught you putting in your shopping cart.) I saw the two of you hanging out at the “survival” knife case over at REI the other day. I am hoping you were only humoring him. I can think of one million ways our son could cause irreparable damage to our house with a 2 inch “safety knife.”

Grandpa – I know he’s been asking you for a new set of tools lately. Let me stop you right now. I know you read my essay in The Mother of All Meltdowns, and you know what that kid can do with a hammer. Let me tell you right now, his hammer is not “lost.” So please don’t “replace” it.

Grandma – You might thing that getting him one of those fun science kits is a great way to further his exploration. It’s not. You will spend $30  on something he will use up in 5 minutes creating a potion to Destroy The World (insert evil maniacal voice).

playing with different textures for sensory processing disorder

Aunt & Uncle S – You’ve seen all the videos, he love’s to perform. His renditions of The Devil Went Down to Georgia and The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald are legendary. I understand your desire to help him further his musical adventures. But a microphone? Believe me, the super-strong ear plugs I bought from the shooting range aren’t strong enough to tone down his normal speaking voice.

Queenie & Kingy – It’s a natural to want to foster this kid’s love of science. You’re the first one’s he tells about his “potions.” As a scientist, Queenie, you are the end all be all. I know he’s been asking you to bring a bunsen burner home from your lab. I assume you know better, but just incase. Don’t.

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I know he’ll ask you if he sees you, so for your edification, we don’t need anymore:

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boats
police cars
guns
or handcuffs

Thanks so much.

 

This is a blogging carnival. That means 7 other amazing bloggers have joined up with me to keep you laughing and shaking your head (you know you’ve thought of all these before) to share with you their tales of woe. And I mean Whoa! Grandma, DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!

Grab a glass of wine, or a Shirley Temple, sit back and be ready to feel better about your parenting.

Flaming Pillow Pets and Other Christmas List Nos – Sarah from The Sadder But Wiser Girl
The Gift that. JUST. KEEPS. ON. GIVING. – Katia from I Am The Milk
Santa Employs Sweat Shop Labor – Rachel from The Tao of Poop

 

  • I am not defending your husband but if that was in his cart and the hat above the whip was in his cart, he was trying to buy an Indiana Jones costume and that is so ADORABLE. But the whip would not be, I know. I promise, I know. 🙂ReplyCancel

    • Jennifer Kehl

      Yeah Jean it would have been really adorable, until the kid started cracking the whip all over the house 2 inches from my face.ReplyCancel

  • […] Jen from My Skewed View: Dear Santa, Please Don’t […]ReplyCancel

  • I just LOVE the way you’ve constructed this. I think we can all relate to those well-meaning relatives and friends in your life who end up on the shit list because now you’re stuck with a “safety-knife”. That was a brilliant list and the the photo of Isaiah preparing the world destroying potion is priceless. And very convincing too.ReplyCancel

    • Jennifer Kehl

      Thanks Katia, it was convincing because it’s true.ReplyCancel

  • I love the way you did this! It makes me want to re-do mine! HAHA to the science kits. And bunson burner, and knives. And hammer!! Also, why was Kim buying a whip??????ReplyCancel

    • Jennifer Kehl

      Kristi – I cannot tell you why. He said “Wouldn’t it be so cute if Isaiah dressed up like Indiana Jones?” Isaiah doesn’t even know who Indiana Jones is!ReplyCancel

  • Haha. You tell `em, mama! This was very well done, AND I laughed, so you win at blogging. 😉ReplyCancel

    • Jennifer Kehl

      Thanks Natalie! The highest compliment!ReplyCancel

  • I LOVE that photo of the mad scientist at work! I also love how Katia gave everyone the benefit of the doubt and called relatives all “well meaning”. How generous of her! The word that comes to mind for me when defining the dumb shit that my relatives buy for my daughter is “clueless”! I love how you set this up, Jen…genius and funny. No big surprise there! Great fun carnivalling with you. Let’s do it again soon!ReplyCancel

    • Jennifer Kehl

      Rachel thank you so much!! Sometimes I think I just need to get out of my way. And seriously, could my husband have been more clueless???ReplyCancel

  • This is so hilarious, especially considering your MOAM essay! May you be spared microphones, handcuffs, and tools this holiday season. (Although when my toddler puts her mouth right up against the microphone and shouts, “Are you ready to roooock?” it is pretty awesome.)ReplyCancel

    • Jennifer Kehl

      Stephanie it is such a love hate thing isn’t it? I really love to watch him perform, and really love to video tape it. But there are those days… those days where I NEED quiet! Oh wait, that’s every day!ReplyCancel

  • Yes, why are the toys for boys so violent and destructive??? I hope he gets safe and quiet presents this year!ReplyCancel

    • Jennifer Kehl

      Sarah, I’m not going to hold my breath 😉ReplyCancel

  • Oh, funny! I can’t believe the picture with all those bowls – I don’t think I could even allow that!! Love that the hammer isn’t really missing!ReplyCancel

    • Jennifer Kehl

      Thanks Stephanie! If I don’t let all his concocting energy out I don’t know what would happen. So we have an Isaiah cabinet with his own “supplies” but he has to help clean up!ReplyCancel

  • This is a great post. We don’t allow our boys to have toy guns and if anyone buys them one it goes back to the store.ReplyCancel

    • Jennifer Kehl

      Hey Christy, clearly we allow guns, but I think it’s time to close the pipeline!ReplyCancel

  • Why, WHY must men feel that they need to supply boys with things that can hurt people????? LOL-I feel your pain Jen!ReplyCancel

    • Jennifer Kehl

      Sarah – It’s that “Oh right! I never thought of it that way!” Dumb heads.ReplyCancel

  • […] Dear Santa, Please Don’t-Jen from My Skewed View […]ReplyCancel

  • Nikki Salisbury

    Trains and swords. I swear every Christmas 5 people get my kid a train and sword. I hate being that mom that’s like get my clothes or books but I’m tied of the trains and swords. ReplyCancel

    • Jennifer Kehl

      Nikki we have so many swords too! Mostly broken, and then he tapes them all back together!ReplyCancel

  • I really like your style of writing
    It’s so relatable, especially to Mom’s with boys LOL
    Thank you for the chance to smile this morning 🙂ReplyCancel

    • Jennifer Kehl

      Thanks CeeLee, that’s a great compliment!ReplyCancel

  • Love this gutsy takedown! Ha!!! I like that you were specific in your list as to WHOM you were talking to!!ReplyCancel

    • Jennifer Kehl

      They know they have it coming Deb!ReplyCancel

  • omg, those science kits!! parental torture masquerading as education.ReplyCancel

    • Jennifer Kehl

      Jessica, you totally understand!ReplyCancel

  • After reading yours, I want to read all the other posts now! The comment about the “missing” hammer was cracking me up! When my kids were younger, I hated the really noisy toys or the ones that came with eight zillion parts and you had to sit down and build it before they could even play with it.ReplyCancel

    • Jennifer Kehl

      Michelle that’s a wonderful compliment! And I totally agree about the gillion parts! Thank you!ReplyCancel

  • Hilarious. I might need to email this out to my family as a reminder. I have a few “missing” items in my house as well. 🙂ReplyCancel

  • Kimberly Ann Elizabeth

    haha.. I can’t wait to see if any of them heed your advice! A whip? do they sell those? oh my!! ReplyCancel

    • Jennifer Kehl

      @Kimberly they sure do! That was an actual image from his actual shopping cart! @Jennifer feel free to use it!ReplyCancel

  • I love this! The picture of him experimenting made me laugh out loud. Perfection!!ReplyCancel

  • OldDogNewTits

    “… his hammer is not ‘lost.’ So please don’t ‘replace’ it.”

    My favorite line. Oh, I applaud your bravery for writing this post. Do the recipients actually know it exists? You’re a stronger woman than me.

    Thanks for linking up with Ketchup, Jen. Merry Christmas to you and the fam.ReplyCancel

    • Jennifer Kehl

      My dad printed it out and passed it around!!ReplyCancel

  • That looks like an Indiana Jones starter kit to me.
    Oh it’s the Legos. I’m one Lego away from being permanently disabled. They are feet killers.
    And whoa…science stuff?
    I hope that you own lots of fire extinguishersReplyCancel

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