Dear Santa, Please Don’t

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Let me help y’all out, mkay? I am with this kid 24/7 – homeschooling is like that. I can tell you, without a doubt, what gifts not to buy a boy. OK, at least my kid does NOT need  these for Christmas this year. And if you love me – and my sanity, you’ll take notes.

christmas post


Husband – (Besides the whip I fortunately caught you putting in your shopping cart.) I saw the two of you hanging out at the “survival” knife case over at REI the other day. I am hoping you were only humoring him. I can think of one million ways our son could cause irreparable damage to our house with a 2 inch “safety knife.”

Grandpa – I know he’s been asking you for a new set of tools lately. Let me stop you right now. I know you read my essay in The Mother of All Meltdowns, and you know what that kid can do with a hammer. Let me tell you right now, his hammer is not “lost.” So please don’t “replace” it.

Grandma – You might thing that getting him one of those fun science kits is a great way to further his exploration. It’s not. You will spend $30  on something he will use up in 5 minutes creating a potion to Destroy The World (insert evil maniacal voice).

playing with different textures for sensory processing disorder

Aunt & Uncle S – You’ve seen all the videos, he love’s to perform. His renditions of The Devil Went Down to Georgia and The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald are legendary. I understand your desire to help him further his musical adventures. But a microphone? Believe me, the super-strong ear plugs I bought from the shooting range aren’t strong enough to tone down his normal speaking voice.

Queenie & Kingy – It’s a natural to want to foster this kid’s love of science. You’re the first one’s he tells about his “potions.” As a scientist, Queenie, you are the end all be all. I know he’s been asking you to bring a bunsen burner home from your lab. I assume you know better, but just incase. Don’t.

new badge my skewed view dynamite on fire

I know he’ll ask you if he sees you, so for your edification, we don’t need anymore:

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police cars
or handcuffs

Thanks so much.


This is a blogging carnival. That means 7 other amazing bloggers have joined up with me to keep you laughing and shaking your head (you know you’ve thought of all these before) to share with you their tales of woe. And I mean Whoa! Grandma, DO NOT EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!

Grab a glass of wine, or a Shirley Temple, sit back and be ready to feel better about your parenting.

Flaming Pillow Pets and Other Christmas List Nos – Sarah from The Sadder But Wiser Girl
The Gift that. JUST. KEEPS. ON. GIVING. – Katia from I Am The Milk
Santa Employs Sweat Shop Labor – Rachel from The Tao of Poop


39 thoughts on “Dear Santa, Please Don’t

  1. I am not defending your husband but if that was in his cart and the hat above the whip was in his cart, he was trying to buy an Indiana Jones costume and that is so ADORABLE. But the whip would not be, I know. I promise, I know. 🙂

  2. Pingback: The Gift That JUST. KEEPS. ON. GIVING. | iamthemilk

  3. I just LOVE the way you’ve constructed this. I think we can all relate to those well-meaning relatives and friends in your life who end up on the shit list because now you’re stuck with a “safety-knife”. That was a brilliant list and the the photo of Isaiah preparing the world destroying potion is priceless. And very convincing too.

    • Kristi – I cannot tell you why. He said “Wouldn’t it be so cute if Isaiah dressed up like Indiana Jones?” Isaiah doesn’t even know who Indiana Jones is!

  4. I LOVE that photo of the mad scientist at work! I also love how Katia gave everyone the benefit of the doubt and called relatives all “well meaning”. How generous of her! The word that comes to mind for me when defining the dumb shit that my relatives buy for my daughter is “clueless”! I love how you set this up, Jen…genius and funny. No big surprise there! Great fun carnivalling with you. Let’s do it again soon!

    • Rachel thank you so much!! Sometimes I think I just need to get out of my way. And seriously, could my husband have been more clueless???

  5. This is so hilarious, especially considering your MOAM essay! May you be spared microphones, handcuffs, and tools this holiday season. (Although when my toddler puts her mouth right up against the microphone and shouts, “Are you ready to roooock?” it is pretty awesome.)

    • Stephanie it is such a love hate thing isn’t it? I really love to watch him perform, and really love to video tape it. But there are those days… those days where I NEED quiet! Oh wait, that’s every day!

    • Thanks Stephanie! If I don’t let all his concocting energy out I don’t know what would happen. So we have an Isaiah cabinet with his own “supplies” but he has to help clean up!

  6. Pingback: Flaming Pillow Pets and Other Christmas List Nos | The Sadder But Wiser Girl

  7. Trains and swords. I swear every Christmas 5 people get my kid a train and sword. I hate being that mom that’s like get my clothes or books but I’m tied of the trains and swords.

  8. After reading yours, I want to read all the other posts now! The comment about the “missing” hammer was cracking me up! When my kids were younger, I hated the really noisy toys or the ones that came with eight zillion parts and you had to sit down and build it before they could even play with it.

  9. “… his hammer is not ‘lost.’ So please don’t ‘replace’ it.”

    My favorite line. Oh, I applaud your bravery for writing this post. Do the recipients actually know it exists? You’re a stronger woman than me.

    Thanks for linking up with Ketchup, Jen. Merry Christmas to you and the fam.

  10. That looks like an Indiana Jones starter kit to me.
    Oh it’s the Legos. I’m one Lego away from being permanently disabled. They are feet killers.
    And whoa…science stuff?
    I hope that you own lots of fire extinguishers

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