I Didn’t Even Know My Kid Knew the Word Crack

Now we don’t like to be judgy judgers do we? Great. But if you do, you might want to head on over to some other blog right about now. If you’ve read my posts you know that my son has Sensory Processing Disorder, butt wiping is one of the last bastions. So I am basically done answering the question “You wipe your son’s butt?” Yes I wipe my 8 year old’s butt. Sometimes. Deal with it.

I am pretty sure he will still go to college, and by then he should be wiping his own butt. And let me say, if you are wiping your kids butt and he doesn’t have any issues. WHO CARES?! I mean I like you and I care about you, but don’t let some judger make you feel bad. I love my kid, if he needs this right now, I won’t pretend I like it, but I am definitely going to pick my battles, and this isn’t one of them. So for your disgusting-o-meter pleasure:


plumbers butt


The Top Ten Ways My Kid Gets Me To Wipe His Butt

  1. “Mom!! My poop is too mushy!”
  2. “Moooommmmmyyyyyy, I’m still sleeping.” (insert whining voice)
  3. “I’m going to sit here until you wipe my butt.” (This one is reserved for when we are running late)
  4. “Please mom, please. PLEEEEEEEAAAASE!!!!! I’ll never ask again!”
  5. “If you don’t wipe my butt I’ll wipe it on your bed!”
  6. Or a variation of that: “I’m running around with no pants on! There’s probably poop dropping on the floor!”
  7. “There’s actual poop hanging off my butt! I’m afraid I will touch it!”
  8. “If you don’t help me wipe it, I am sure it will all wind up in my butt crack and then what will I do?”
  9. (When we are at my sister’s house and I respond to the yell “I need help!”) “This bathroom is so small, the sink is too close to me, I feel too closed in, I can’t possibly wipe.”
  10. Kid in a panicked voice “Mom! Mom! I need you! Hurry!!!” I run down the hall in full Concerned Mama Mode. Arriving to see a sly smile spread across the boy’s face. “Well, now that you’re here, will you wipe me?”


I admit it, he’s got my number right about now. He’s perfectly capable of cleaning that back door without assistance. But can I mention something? I AM FREAKING TIRED! Do you know how much easier it is to wipe a butt than to argue about it for 15 minutes and then half the time wind up doing it anyway? Let’s put it this way, if he’s still doing it when he gets his first girlfriend – one threat is all it will take.

16 thoughts on “I Didn’t Even Know My Kid Knew the Word Crack

    • Hey you guys!!! This is my REAL sister! She’s never commented on my blog before! This must be a winner! Thanks D 🙂

  1. Oh, I feel you on this Jen. I still have to do it for Miles sometimes. When kids go through an illness, sometimes they revert or they hang onto some of their babyhood and in some ways Miles is experiencing the tail end of that. Like you, I pick my battles.

    • Hey did we ever talk about the fact that Isaiah’s middle name is Myles? Of course that doesn’t explain the butt thing. But (he he) picking our battles is good parenting I think!

  2. Yup, we are past this horror but still have our fair shares of seriously your kid still needs you to do THAT. Yes, yes he does so shove it. The good news – it will pass and then there will be another something to take it’s place. Here’s to hoping it’s less gross.

    • Oh I know… Although I guess since I’ve gone from baby poop all the way too here, it’s just not that gross. I don’t know what is down the line. But I do share your sentiments!

  3. This made me laugh out loud, but I feel your pain. Currently potty training my 3 and half year old and need to remind myself that no one ever died trying to do this…crazy, maybe! My son has some language delays which has delayed the process, and there are times when I have to give in to a diaper so I don’t have to search for puddles.

  4. Oh this brings back the bathroom memories. I thought my oldest daughter would never be comfortable wiping her own butt! She had/has severe anxiety issues and was as good as your son at getting me into the bathroom. You have an excellent attitude about the whole thing and yes he will most definitely be wiping his own butt before college.

  5. I remember on a ship a crew member slipped a disc. We had to carry him to the toilet, then there was the issue of who had to wipe his butt. I wondered what he must have thought listening to us arguing. It’s not a nice job but if it needs doing you just got to grin and bear it.

  6. If you could get someone to wipe your butt for you, would’t you? Uh, maybe not actually. But I have Aspergers (kinda similar to SPD) and I seem to remember making my parents wipe my butt when I was at least 7 or 8… not every single time, but for some reason or another I didn’t always feel great about doing it myself! Can’t believe I admitted that, but…hey, if readers judge you for wiping your kid’s butt, they can judge me too and I’ll keep you company!

  7. My son tries to pull that shit (pun intended) all of the time. He’s got a case of the lazy. He’s even tried to get his JK teacher to do it because “I can’t get it clean enough.”
    Why? Why?

  8. Sneaky little lover.

    My little buddy (who happens to have Autism, not related to his butt wiping preferences but just a fact I wanted to share with you) does similar things. Since I no longer work for them, it’s not usually for me, but if it was… it’d be hard to resist!

    “I love you! Will you hang out with me while I poop then clean it up?”
    “I love you so so much. But my butt is gross.”
    “I love you the most, can you please wipe me so I can hug you?”

    He knows how to butter us up for sure…

  9. Hi Jen! This is hilarious! I can’t stop smiling. Thank you for that! I ran across your blog on the Blog Strut. I’m happy I did. I am now following you via Bloglovin’. Please follow me back and have a great night!


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