“Let us put men and women together, and see which one is smarter. Some say men, but I say No! Women got the men like a puppet show.” ~ Harry Belafonte
Here is something I have learned since becoming a wife and a mom. I, as the woman, am the keeper of all knowledge. I love it when my husband offers to help. Until five minutes later. This is when I realize, that although his intentions are good, he is incapable of actually helping with anything more than sitting in front of the TV with the child.
Him, as I walk towards the door, hoping for an uninterrupted hour of writing: Wife, wait! What are we eating for dinner?
Boy: I want to go to the mall and have pizza!
Me: Great, why don’t you guys go to the mall?
Husband: Do you have any money?
Me: Really? Here’s 40 bucks.
Somehow we all wind up in the laundry room searching for shoes and coats at the same time. I don’t want to set him up, but as he reaches for the door knob I say: Do you have the epi-pens?
Him: Oh, no. Can you get them for me?
Scenario #1 I come home at 10pm: the husband has just put a feature-length movie on for the boy to watch.
Scenario #2 I come home at 10pm: the husband is asleep on the couch and the boy is channel surfing Netflix.
Scenario #3 I come home at 10pm: the husband and the boy are playing Wii fit, they have been doing the obstacle course for 90 minutes, and the child is actually wheezing.
Me: Husband, do you hear him?
Husband: Hear what?
Me: Your boy, he’s wheezing.
All the while the kid is so excited that he has beaten his poppy at everything they have played that he is excitedly telling me the whole story, talking over this whole conversation, in his high-pitched helium-sounding voice that always accompanies an asthma attack.
Me, to my husband: Do you know where the inhaler is?
Husband: (Blank Stare)
Me to the boy: Isaiah, go get your inhaler.
Me to the Blank Stare: When he sound’s like that, he’s starting to have an asthma attack. When you hear that squeaking sound, he needs his inhaler.
Husband: Oh, I thought he was just coughing a little.
Me: I could hear him wheezing when I walked in the door.
Husband: He’s fine.
Boy comes back: Here it is mom!
Me: Great sweetie, do you want to show your poppy how to do the inhaler?
Boy: Sure! Look poppy it’s just like this!
Now for everyone out there who is reading this and saying, “Yeah, well, if she just showed her dear husband all of that stuff then he would know how to take care of his son’s asthma properly.” To you Judgey-McJudgers, I would like you to know that not only have I showed him all that “stuff”, but I have also written out instructions ON the actual bottles and containers should dear husband forget my instructions. The frightening thing is that I truly believe there would have to be a life threatening emergency for my husband to realize this is a life threatening illness.
It’s my fault for making it look effortless, I get it. I’m really special, superwoman.
Nope. Not even. I’m a mom. A mom whose job it is to protect my son from whatever I can. (Can you say Mama Bear?) Have a listen – some of the happiest times in my life happened while hearing this song explain it to you:
My friend The Sadder but Wiser Girl wrote a post so much like this that it is eerie. If you relate, then click here to read Is Anyone Listening???
If you liked this post, show me some love and click the button. I’m thinking after this post, I deserve it!
Jen Kehl 
My mother in law took me aside when I was pregnant with my son and said this to me: “I know my son will make a wonderful father, but please, PLEASE do not leave him alone with the baby!” Definitely feeling your pain. 😉
Thanks for tagging me in your post!
My mother-in-law is just like my husband! I can’t believe he survived past 10! and you know you’re welcome 🙂
PS-Pimped you out in my blog again today, naming off all the faves I’ve found recently. HA HA-I missed the Judgey McJudgerson part on the post before. I was Ranty McRanterson on mine! It is really scary how much we share a brain…
Men just act stupid because they know there’s a woman taking care of things. I know it’s just an act with my husband – most of the time. Sometimes he is just plain stupid.
Dana-I don’t know if stupid is the right word. Oblivious. I think it’s more like oblivious. And brick wall.
I LOVE THIS! It is too funny..and scary! I will have to find something to Link up! I am sure I have something laying around the blog! My hubby and I almost have reversed roles….I fix the things around the home and HE does the cleaning and laundry…so it is sometimes him reminding me to give our kids their medicine! FOLLOWING!
Holy crap! My friend and I say all the time that if it wasn’t for women men would be living in the woods, not a cave, without fire or basic living standards!
Kerri~ It is so true, isn’t it! Seriously, my husband was single for, what? 20 years before we met. Now he doesn’t even know how to eat if I don’t tell him!
My husband is exactly like that too! He thinks he’s my hero when he offers to watch HIS child so I can do dishes! But his idea of watching her is to turn on a video and then do what he wants to do!
Sylvia it is so refreshing to know that I am not alone!
Very funny, scary and true. I think whoever is not taking care of the day to day (husband or wife) don’t want to see sickness because it’s scary and so they don’t. They tell themselves everything is okay. It’s human nature.
Yep! Sometimes Mama Bear’s job is to protect…FROM PAPA BEAR! Once my son (who was about 1 1/2 at the time) was standing next to my husband at a party on a neighbor’s deck. They were next to a giant open cooler full of ice water (there weren’t many drinks left in it. I saw my son start to reach in the cooler and my husband was staring right at him as he started to go head first in. I made it across the very large deck, weaving in and out of people in the say, and grabbed him by the back of the shirt before my husband even reacted. The other Dads still talk about my Bionic Woman speed. 😀
Angela That is awesome! So much like my life EVERY DAY! I have to leave my husband with my son during blogher and I’m not sure who will be watching who! But I think I’m gonna be pretty nervous!
I’m a man and even I can admit we are the dumber sex…and for the record, the only reason I am admitting this is because I’m stupid.
Mike thanks for the laugh!
My son is non-verbal autistic. It never fails, if I leave him alone with his dad, dad forgets to feed him. I know, how can you forget to feed a kid? Hubby doesn’t eat much when he’s sitting on his ass, watching tv, so the thought never occurs to him that anyone else on the planet, let alone his own son, just MIGHT be hungry. Then he gets upset cuz the little guy is grumpy and throwing tantrums. Yes, I call him to remind him to “feed the kid.” Heaven help us if we ever got pets.
Oy Terrye! I totally feel you! I am going to Blogher, and still getting a sitter to watch my son when my husband is home! I can’t be worrying all the time if he’s actually watching him or asleep on the sofa in front of the TV.
Hey this is the first time I am seriously reading your posts. Had stumbled upon your blog through UBC. what a fun read that was. Entertaining to the fullest and well what can I say damn true!
Thanks for helping us woman get a firmer stand on things and be written about it too 🙂
Richa~ Thanks for stopping by, sometimes it’s funny BECAUSE it’s true!
Oh you women do fuss!
Great post – I’ve pressed the “like” button so have I begun to change your view about the male of the species?
Thanks Bryan, male species – maybe. Husband species – not so much!
YES! You must be living in my house! CLUE-less! Frankly when I leave town or am gone for an evening, I’m amazed my child AND my husband are still alive!
Norine I totally hear you! I worry every time they walk out the door together!