Poppy Doesn’t Drink Juice, and Other Famous Euphemisms

Once upon a time there was this kid. His name was Isaiah. Everybody thought he was really funny; everyone thought he should be in comedy or on stage. Isaiah did not want that. Isaiah does not want anything other people want him to want. Isaiah’s mommy has learned that the hard way, so she does not suggest things anymore. Did I mention that everyone thinks he’s funny? However, his mommy; well his mommy knows the truth. There is a little motor working in his brain – it’s like a tape recorder and a mixer sans filter. This motor is very dangerous. Do not under-estimate the motor.

Isaiah has a Nana, we don’t have Nana’s in my family, so this Nana obviously comes from the other side. This Nana has an interesting way of looking at things. She also has difficulty processing information correctly. For instance, when she inquired how often we go out to eat and I said, “We go out to dinner once a month,” she heard the mutation, “we go out to dinner every night.” “Isaiah loves all vegetables” is magically transformed into “Isaiah will only eat corn and peas,” which of course begs the editorial from Nana: “You know, peas and corn are starches not vegetables.” As I am a good daughter-in-law, I do not point out that starch and vegetables are not mutually exclusive. I also do not point out – again – that Isaiah loves all vegetables.

One night when I am enduring just such a conversation, our exchange sets up my comedian to produce another unforgettable one-liner. Observe:

Nana:  You have too much juice in your house.

Patient Daughter-in-law: (Why I bother to respond, I don’t know): We actually have no juice in our house.

Nana: Well, I always see Isaiah drinking juice.

Me: That’s not juice, it’s lemonade, and we are at a restaurant. We really never have anything like that at home because Kim (my husband) doesn’t drink anything but coffee and water, and I only drink tea.

Nana: Well, he shouldn’t drink so much juice.

To this typical Nana-non-sequiter, I am silent. I am not seething, no worries. I just know better than to argue with the metamorph-ical mind that is Nana’s. Of course, comic relief is not far away as Isaiah pipes up, “Poppy drinks juice at work, though. Well, he doesn’t drink juice, he drinks Kool-Aid.” I look at him, eyebrows scrunched up, “What honey?”                                               Isaiah: “You know Mommy, you’re always telling Poppy to drink the Kool Aid at work.”

I literally choked on my drink, and had to turn my head away so he wouldn’t see me trying to contain my laughter. At the same time my mother-in-law leans in and says, “He’s not talking about Jim Jones, is he?” Yes he is Nana, yes he is.




49 thoughts on “Poppy Doesn’t Drink Juice, and Other Famous Euphemisms

  1. You are a better daughter-in-law than I. If my eyes somehow lost the ability to “roll”, I’d be in big trouble!!

    Too funny!!

  2. Love: “She also has difficulty processing information correctly.” And: “We go out to dinner once a month,” she heard the mutation, “we go out to dinner every night.”

    I also love the “Nana-non-sequiter.” Too funny.

    Must have been a Fun Easter!

  3. lol
    I totally love that ‘re-translation’ thing.
    I have witnessed this in my own home.
    My wife, Phyllis, is a roger (with a secondary clarklike aspect) and I have listened as she carries on the conversation with a properly edited premise/conditions. It is facinating, as she will initially refuse to see where my disagreement is coming from, i.e. what was *actually said*, but fortunately, she is sufficiently versed in the Doctrine and can, with a minimum of coaxing see that she is re-structuring the conversation from ‘what is’ to ‘what it should be’ (by her view).
    While clarks are capable of mis-hearing a statement, it is a rogerian quality to be quite aggressive in insisting that black is white, up is down, war is peace… lol
    Sounds like your M-in-L is a roger…

    • I have refrained from trying to decide which my MIL is. I do know that she is a “crazy maker” and if it weren’t for my son, I would not answer the phone when she called. These such conversations are not limited to face to face exchanges. However, what you say about rogers, definitely true for her. So much so that she might actually be found insisting any of those things at any given time.

  4. Omg…I am laughing so hard I just woke up my daughter!! Bwahahahaha. My MIL is exactly this way. I have to say, you handle it more gracefully than I do. I loved this post so much, I’m going back up to read it all over again. SO funny!! SO funny!!! –Lisa

    • Thank you so much!!!! I love you guys, that means so much to me. I actually handle it gracefully because I am the mother of a son,he’s an only, and I am so afraid my daughter-in-law won’t like me someday!

  5. Your son is a comedic genius! Er…I mean…that boy, Isaiah. For reals.

    And I also have to remind myself to drink the Kool Aid at work. Fortunately, it tastes great when spiked with vodka. 🙂

  6. So…. Essentially what you’re saying here is sweet Benjamin will only eat peas and carrots and he loves his juice, but none of this is organic? Got it. (Great post. Loved it.)

    • Oh thank you. I think I need all of those things, as a matter of fact I was just thinking that, that stiff drink is only as far as a few steps to the liquor cabinet!

  7. Hilarious… What will Isaiah be when he grows up! Such wit…
    My MIL is clear across the other side of the world. And that’s the best place for her.Bless her heart.
    Thanks for hooking up!

  8. Loved this!

    I recently returned to work part time and we hired a nanny for our 4m old daughter for 2 days a week. Apparently, when we say “nanny” my mother-in-law hears “inexperienced, childless, 16 year old who has never seen an infant before” – or at least that’s what her absurd questions would imply! Or the surprised reaction to hearing about the experience and qualifications of said “child killer”/”nanny”.

    I’m so with “Mom Rants” on they eye roll!!

    • You have no idea….Today my son was trying to get my husband in trouble by saying “Hey Poppy, wasn’t the Glen Beck episode we watched last night so great!”He know’s I don’t like it when his dad let’s him watch Glenn Beck, but he kept saying it over and over again, as if I maybe wasn’t listening….

    • For REAL! But then I get this one “Are you letting him watch That Harry Potter? Is that where he get’s this?” Yes, Nana, I don’t believe in over-exposing my 7yo child to media, but in the case of Harry Potter we go all out.

  9. LOL!!!! Love it. My MIL is pretty much the same way. I told her that Christopher hadn’t worn any of the new shirts yet that she gave him for Christmas. She interpreted that to mean that I had been sending him to school in clothes that were too small. Geez.

    • Kenya! Thanks for the laugh! My MIL bought my son an outfit for our trip and said she was going to wash it in dreft and fold it for me before my vacation. Because, you know, I can’t fold or wash…

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