Egotistical, Neurotic or Depressed? How do you choose?

Adam Levine is hot. Come on. I mean maybe it’s the Jew in me that sees the Jew in him and bows down to those perfectly placed Jewish traits.  But come on, he’s hot.  So when I read the prompt for this weeks Finish the Sentence Friday, and then watched Saturday Night Live the next night, which I never do, there was my hot boyfriend hosting! What are the odds? At this serendipitous hormonal moment I immediately knew how to answer Friday’s question.

This is him laughing delightedly at something I said. Him: “Oh Jen, you are so funny!
Please stop, you’re going to ruin my set!

Then I got to thinking, you know, this guy will take his shirt off for anyone. Literally. Maybe he has a little bit of an ego problem. If I got to spend the day with ONE celebrity, would I want it to be this guy? I mean, he’s hot, but that’s not even my hand! What??!!

Would he even care what I had to say? Or would he be trying to catch his reflection in every window we walked by. If he offered, I would never say no, but only ONE celebrity, only ONE day? Sorry Adam, but if you just hadn’t claimed to have the moves like Jagger, I may have given you the benefit of the doubt. And if you’re reading this darling Adam, because, you know, it could happen. Nothing personal, I don’t really know you, but if you aren’t an egomaniac, you might want to work on your image a little.

So, I dug right down to the bottom of my soul. (Important segue: Please tell me you’ve seen A Chorus Line? Obviously you should: the songs are epic, that line reminds me of the song “Nothing”) And there he was: the one man I told my husband I might leave him for. He just gets me, you know? It’s like we are soul mates. Does the other mate need to know your soul in order to be soul mates? I mean we are only separated by ONE DEGREE, and in TWO ways! I mean come on, it’s like I know him right? Oh wait you still don’t know who I’m talking about, 

you John Cusack, you can look at me like that anytime, and I will never call you egotistical. I am pretty sure that I know you, your dry sense of humor. I believe the absence of a sign can be a sign, just like you do! I had the same conversation with myself that you did before you went to your high school reunion. “Hi. I’m, uh, I’m a pet psychiatrist. I sell couch insurance. Mm-hmm, and I – and I test-market positive thinking. I lead a weekend men’s group, we specialize in ritual killings. Yeah, you look great! God, yeah! Hi, how are you? Hi, how are you? Hi, I’m Martin Blank, you remember me? I’m not married, I don’t have any kids, but I’d blow your head off if someone paid me enough.” We have the exact same career motivations “I don’t want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don’t want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don’t want to do that.” either.

You know I get you, I mean we all need a little medication every once in a while like when you said “Look, Byron, I want to be honest with you. Before I came down from the room, I took a half a pound of Vicodin, so I’m going to be really comfortable until about late March.” and “You probably read in People Magazine that I’m on Zoloft.” We both have anger issues, like that time you “tried to walk away, but the guy just kept pushing. So you hit him in the tray with your face.” But then, John, you had to go and get all depressed on me.  You know, you and me, we’ve got something. But I don’t know, I just can’t tolerate depression in a partner, I mean there’s really only room for one, and that one, well it has to be me.  My narcissism demands it. So when you said “What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?” I knew we could never be. Come on now, don’t look at me like that
 I mean maybe I could do a day, but what if you start on that downward spiral of depression and angst… I can’t handle angst. I mean, if you could sign some sort of contract, you know a promise note? I will be funny and self-deprecating but not angry and depressed?  I’m just saying.


Maybe I need to think inside the box, apparently my Jewishness knows no bounds because if I have to say, “now hold on Jen, we (meaning me and the other people in my head) appreciate people for what’s on the inside (unless they’re more depressed than you), not just what’s on the outside” I guess I would have to pick Woody Allen. Yes. I would spend the day with this guy:

You know what? The voice in my head is Woody Allen. The over-thinker, the self-deprecator, the hyper-intellectual, the elitist who pretends he is not, the ironic, the paranoid, the witty, the imaginative, the over-thinker. All of those people are in my head, and their voice is Woody’s, but Woody does it so much better. It’s OK if I call you Woody, right? He is the only celebrity I would want to spend the whole day with, and you know what? I wouldn’t want to say a word, that’s how I know I’m right. I would just want to listen to him talk, well, not about politics, or his personal life, just about stuff. Tell me about stuff Woody. What is your theory about life, we only have 24 hours, so you may have to synopsize (that’s a real word, I looked it up).  I have mentioned this before, and the more I write the more I realize it is true. Woody Allen is my muse. I do not claim to emulate, imitate, or duplicate, I would never.  Truth be told, my life is a Woody Allen movie, well not “Curse of the Jade Scorpion” or “Midnight in Paris”, or “Bananas” for that matter. Well, whatever. It just is, and when I look at my family en masse, I know why the things I think are funny are funny, and I know why Woody Allen lives in my brain.


She has “the cancer.”

Finish the Sentence Friday


44 thoughts on “Egotistical, Neurotic or Depressed? How do you choose?

  1. I lurved who you ultimately picked for your celebrity. I’m pretty sure he could fill a whole day with a one sided conversation. Adam is easier on the eyes, though.

  2. I enjoyed reading this. I felt like Woody Allen was in your brain, in my brain. I’ve only ever seen one Woody Allen movie. It’s on my list to see more. I did, however, have a crush on John Cusack ever since I saw him play a nerd in 16 Candles. Fun post!

    • Yeah, I think my crush is mildly unhealthy. I look for him anywhere, cause you know his family only lives a few miles from here. It could happen, right?

  3. Apparently my brain is even weirder than I thought, because I’d totally vote for Woody’s looks over Adam’s. That being said, I don’t typically (read: ever) go for the pretty boys, and Adam is way prettier than I.

    • Dude he is so much prettier than I am, and like 100x’s skinnier, that would never work. But I don’t mind a little eye-candy every once in a while. But Woody, well he’s Woody, and he’s my man.

  4. John Cusack is hot hot hot but I’ve kissed guys with lips like his and it’s no good! Something about that lip shape is just bad times. Of course, I might be able to overlook that if he was his character in High Fidelity. Hot guy who owns a record store and loves making lists and mix tapes. SIGN ME UP.

    • ha ha ha!!!!!! I am so busy looking into those soulful eyes….. I don’t know either, he was so DEPRESSED in High Fidelity, love the music part, but….the book was the same way.

  5. Jen, I loved this and seriously I think we all have a little bit of Woody Allen in our brains, lol!! Thanks so much for linking up with this and am truly loving all the posts so far this week!! 🙂

  6. I was with you until you got to Woody Allen. I can’t think of him without the whole Soon-Yi thing coming up – much like I can no longer stomach Alec Baldwin or Mel Gibson because of their hysterical rantings. I know they’re isolated incidents, but I just can’t … I don’t really even remember it now, but Sleeper was one of my favorite WA movies as a kid. As for JC, one of my favorites is Identity. Kinda cool, kinda creepy. 🙂

    • Yeah, we had a big discussion about the Woody Allen thing at work today, I choose to compartmentalize. We all have skeletons. Some are WAY WORSE than others. But we all have them. Although I’m kinda with you on Mel and Alec.

  7. I love John Cusack! And his sister, too. Both SO FUNNY. Gross Point Blank had to be one of the best movies EVER. And love that the voice in your head is Woody Alan. You’re awesome. Seriously.
    Hey aren’t you gonna use the crazy eye drawing somewhere? Sheesh.

  8. thanks so much for stopping by today. Oh now see Adam yes ma’am. Star or not.. oh wait we won’t go there this is apparently a family blog.. See I figured Shemar could be dessert HA!!!

  9. I agree with you on Adam and John, but Woody. Ick. I have never liked him. But, I would like to offer up Keanu. Or, maybe I’ll just keep him in case Squatch decides to stand me up. 😉

    • I just can’t do Keanu, I dare say he appears to be a touch daft, not unlike his Bill and Ted character. However if things with Squatch go bad, he would certainly do in a pinch. I’d like to hear that interview!

  10. (my favorite line from any Woody Allen movie),

    “I have to go now Dwayne, because I…I’m due back on the planet Earth”

    (scene with Christopher Walken in ‘Annie Hall’)

  11. Woody would so be my pick if I actually wanted conversation… I don’t want anything from Adam except straight make-up sex “Gimme just one night” not one more… just one… I think I could get it all out of my system… HE might need an ambulance when I was done 🙂 but I would be smoking a cigarette and drinking a bottle of wine calling Woody up for a conversation LOL!

  12. I was a 100% Christian Bale fan until I saw that new pic of him on the new movie with greasy hair and a pot belly and then I realized … that’s the Christian who’d end up showing up at my house. Now Patrick Stewart … I do enjoy that bald head.

  13. I love love love your Adam Levine pictures with the commentary! They had me laughing out loud. And your line, “My narcissism demands it”?? Well, I might have to use that one of these days. Awesome line! I’m not even sure who my guy would be: Probably either someone overweight or someone nerdy or, if I had it my way, both. I’m disappointed that my husband won’t gain a little weight and start playing chess–I can’t help it if I like ’em big and dorky! (You think I’m joking, don’t you…)

    • I believe you, because I don’t think you would have said it for all to see if you didn’t mean it! Thank you, it was hard to choose the pictures, there were so many good ones. But you are right, he is too skinny. However, John Cusack is slightly nerdy, and not that skinny anymore. Hmmm…. Jack Black?

  14. I absolutely LOVE how you just rolled with this one! Talk about giving me some things to think about. I never knew that I thought so many things about Adam Levine, John Cusack and Woody Allen, but as I was reading your post, I was nodding in agreement with most of it. And, really, your post points to something else, which is that we say we would want to meet celebrities, but who knows what that would really be like. Probably very much of a mixed bag, like you have pointed out in such a hilarious way.

    • Thanks Rachel. That’s kinda how it rolled out of my head. If it wasn’t for SNL I never would have even picked Adam, but he had me cracking up so hard! Then when I started to look for images of him, well then another story played itself out. It was a really fun post to write!

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