Here’s a lesson I learned a while back tonight, about what would happen if the apocalypse came tomorrow. I learned that I would have no one to count on but me and my super-high-powered LED flashlight from Wal-Mart.
Yeah my husband talks the talk and walks the . Well what can I say? Judge me if you will, we’ve got the “protection”, we’ve got the go bag, we’ve got the highest Lumen LED flashlight you can buy so you can blind any wacko wielding a gun and we may even have a few years worth of food and water stashed in some undisclosed location. Not to mention the various accoutrements like water purifiers in case of contamination, waterproof match containers, super high energy burners in a can (for cooking) and flares. Cause everyone needs flares.
But when judgement day comes, I learned tonight, that my husband is gonna be screaming “What should I do? What should I do?” like a little girl.
I was tired, I thought I might actually turn in early. I had already been abandoned by my husband who was asleep on the sofa and the boy was quiet but awake. I grabbed my handy-dandy Wal-mart $8.99 gagillion lumen LED flashlight, which I bought a few weeks ago and told the dogs we were going out. It’s not like I have to walk them or anything. It’s just Daisy, the little one, won’t actually go to the bathroom if someone doesn’t walk outside with her. And tell her. A thousand times. To GO POTTY. I opened the screen door and Roscoe and I saw the possum dash across the yard at the same time. Roscoe is vicious. He may be 20 lbs, but he’ll tear you in pieces if you walk on four legs and your name isn’t Daisy. So don’t come to our house walking on four legs.
I immediately screamed “NO!” but really, what was that going to do? Hmmm… listen to mom who doesn’t have anything yummier than a Milk Bone or eat some gamey creature that is mine cause I saw him first? Mine!
I thought fast and shined the flashlight in Roscoe’s eyes. I learned that from my husband you know, if you are ever faced with a criminal or insane or both person, shine your gagillion lumen flashlight in their eyes. Well it certainly stunned Roscoe. Daisy was doing this pacing back and forth barking thing. Because she would probably be just as happy playing with the possum, but she doesn’t want Roscoe to know that. She might lose face.
The problem is, every time I moved the flashlight away, Roscoe tried to go back in for the kill. The possum, being stupid, cause that’s what they are, was in the corner of the fence like this:
So the determined one-track minded dog is trying to get around me. I am alternately yelling “No!” and shining the flashlight in his eyes. While ALSO yelling for Isaiah to get help. He is farther from me, but the husband is deaf when sleeping.
I’m doing my damnedest to keep the dogs away from the possum when I finally hear the boy at the door saying “Mommy needs our help!” in 30 seconds the boy has his shoes on and is out the door. The husband is standing in the door, in his underwear saying, “What should I do?”
“Put on your freaking shoes and get out here and help me!” I yell.
“Help you with what?” his lazy ass he says.
“DUDE! There’s a possum out here and Roscoe wants to eat him and I need you to come get the dogs because I can’t grab both of them at the same time!” I am almost screaming now.
Meanwhile the wonderful Isaiah is asking how he can help, I suggest he try to catch Daisy, because she probably can’t remember what she’s barking at anymore anyhow.
The man comes back, fully dressed, stands in the doorway and starts calling Roscoe – Oh, right! Why didn’t I think of that?! Of course, if I just call him he’ll leave that scrumptious morsel of a walking stinking toy and come right to me!
“Kim” I growl, “come out here and GET THE DOG!”
He comes outside, which distracts Daisy, who Isaiah grabs, which distracts me, so Roscoe starts for the possum, which I notice just in time, so I flash the bright lights in his eyes and lunge just fast enough to grab his collar while he’s stunned.
All the while Kim is walking towards me, in his socks and work clothes. (Did I mention I yelled “Put on you freaking shoes?!” not put your work clothes back on and come out in your socks!”)
He says, now that I have Roscoe by the collar and Isaiah has carried Daisy inside, “What can I do?”
“You can be glad this wasn’t a real emergency, that’s what you can do.”
Jen Kehl 
Hilarious. I abhor possums (they stalk me ) and I still loved this post. And deeply connected with one part of it. Um, let’s just say I’ll help you out if the end of times happen:)
I’m glad you’re not too far away Jean!
There are those that don’t understand how to handle animals and kind of go blank when something happens. You’d be amazed at the number of people that wanted to go hunting reptiles with me over the years that froze when we found one. There were also those that wanted to volunteer to help clean cages, but as soon as the first snake struck out, they’d scream, jump back (even though they were well out of strike zone), and drop the snake hook on the floor. I used to be a manager in a home service industry, and the number of agents I had that would run at the first sign of a dog was amazing. I’d usually stand firm, and if the dog kept coming, would spread my arms and start growling back at it. I don’t know if it scared the dog, but most of the time they’d stop and act like they were wondering, “What is this damn fool doing, anyway?” lol Don’t blame your hubby. He probably just doesn’t have any experience with animals. He’ll learn. 🙂
Well Rich, he better learn before Doomsday!
HA! He couldn’t even come out of his own little world to help out!
I have the whole tornado preparedness thing down, beyond that we’re screwed…
He couldn’t even put on a pair of shoes. No shoes.
Oh, dear. You’re screwed. And I totally feel your pain!
I’m amazed at how many people feel my pain!
OMG. Men can be so ridiculous. And lazy. I swear. My husband is always one extreme or the other in situations like this. He either does what yours did tonight or he tries to be a hero and save the day, which usually involve some crazy plan that takes FOREVER and doesn’t work. Yep. Women will be the ones who survive if there’s a true crisis in this world.
Elizabeth, completely my husband too!!! I asked him to try and fix the sliding door the other day that would open, when he was done – it wouldn’t shut. Perfect.
Sounds exactly like something my husband would do! Next time shine the flashlight in hubs’s eyes to stun him into helping. Haha. I love your final line!
Shay, I will def be doing that!
Yeah, that’s my personal fave too: “What do you want me to do?” Hmm. Let’s think. How about, “Use your head for something other than a hat rack?” That’d be good for starters.
Sigh.
Oy Karen…. so true.
I’m still coming your way if doomsday comes!
If you can find me Kate…you are welcome!
You are awesome. Totally awesome and I would want you next to me once zombie apocalypse strikes, because you know it’ll be a zombie apocalypse,I’m catching a horse, or a pig to undisclosed location. You’ve described this little snippet of “life with husband” brilliantly. Hilarious and so relatable. Love you.
There’s enough shotguns to go around Katia!
This is so funny!!! And it is so much like my husband and me it’s scary!! Honestly I could have caught the possum, cooked it and served it to everyone for breakfast and my husband still might be sleeping! Lol! Thanks for a great laugh!!
Exactly Kathy!
JEN. LMFAO. Sorry, I know it’s mean to laugh, but LAUGHING SO HARD. Hahahahahahahahaaaa. The best is that I can picture you doing it. So glad I got to visit your house and meet you. 🙂 Too, too funny. Pinning to favorites.
Hahahaha…and that last line? You are so funny, girl!
This was great! No husband here, but this made me think of my kids. My oldest worrying, freak out over every-little-thing daughter is somehow a pro in surprise situations. My level-headed, can’t faze her youngest daughter is the run around like a headless chicken type. At least now you know you better have the answers in an emergency!
Just love those surprises Heather, when I’ve got no one but me to count on!
At least you’ve got Isaiah.
And this is why I prefer living the city life surrounded by comforting comforting concrete
Hmmm…. pretty sure my husband could screw that up too Meeshie.
Oh, my husband is completely inept like that too! I relate in a cringing kind of way. Thanks, though, I hadn’t thought about how he would respond during the apocalypse. I can go to bed imagining how lame he will be. Thanks for that, Jen! 😉
My pleasure Rachel!
I have bear spray that is locked up in our camping gear which is up in the garage rafters…so I’m going to die of rabies when that time comes.
Those critters are hideous and I have no idea how you made it that long out there. Jay-sus my friend.
So, is that LED light so bright that you can see souls?
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