It’s a Good Thing We’re Not Real Survivalists

 

Here’s a lesson I learned a while back tonight, about what would happen if the apocalypse came tomorrow. I learned that I would have no one to count on but me and my super-high-powered LED flashlight from Wal-Mart.

 

survivalist

 

Yeah my husband talks the talk and walks the . Well what can I say? Judge me if you will, we’ve got the “protection”, we’ve got the go bag, we’ve got the highest Lumen LED flashlight you can buy so you can blind any wacko wielding a gun and we may even have a few years worth of food and water stashed in some undisclosed location. Not to mention the various accoutrements like water purifiers in case of contamination, waterproof match containers, super high energy burners in a can (for cooking) and flares. Cause everyone needs flares.

the end is near

But when judgement day comes, I learned tonight, that my husband is gonna be screaming “What should I do? What should I do?” like a little girl.

 

I was tired, I thought I might actually turn in early. I had already been abandoned by my husband who was asleep on the sofa and the boy was quiet but awake. I grabbed my handy-dandy Wal-mart $8.99 gagillion lumen LED flashlight, which I bought a few weeks ago and told the dogs we were going out. It’s not like I have to walk them or anything. It’s just Daisy, the little one, won’t actually go to the bathroom if someone doesn’t walk outside with her. And tell her. A thousand times. To GO POTTY. I opened the screen door and Roscoe and I saw the possum dash across the yard at the same time. Roscoe is vicious. He may be 20 lbs, but he’ll tear you in pieces if you walk on four legs and your name isn’t Daisy. So don’t come to our house walking on four legs.

I immediately screamed “NO!” but really, what was that going to do? Hmmm… listen to mom who doesn’t have anything yummier than a Milk Bone or eat some gamey creature that is mine cause I saw him first? Mine!

I thought fast and shined the flashlight in Roscoe’s eyes. I learned that from my husband you know, if you are ever faced with a criminal or insane or both person, shine your gagillion lumen flashlight in their eyes. Well it certainly stunned Roscoe. Daisy was doing this pacing back and forth barking thing. Because she would probably be just as happy playing with the possum, but she doesn’t want Roscoe to know that. She might lose face.

The problem is, every time I moved the flashlight away, Roscoe tried to go back in for the kill. The possum, being stupid, cause that’s what they are, was in the corner of the fence like this:

possum

 

 

So the determined one-track minded dog is trying to get around me. I am alternately yelling “No!” and shining the flashlight in his eyes. While ALSO yelling for Isaiah to get help. He is farther from me, but the husband is deaf when sleeping.

I’m doing my damnedest to keep the dogs away from the possum when I finally hear the boy at the door saying “Mommy needs our help!” in 30 seconds the boy has his shoes on and is out the door. The husband is standing in the door, in his underwear saying, “What should I do?”

“Put on your freaking shoes and get out here and help me!” I yell.

“Help you with what?” his lazy ass┬áhe says.

“DUDE! There’s a possum out here and Roscoe wants to eat him and I need you to come get the dogs because I can’t grab both of them at the same time!” I am almost screaming now.

Meanwhile the wonderful Isaiah is asking how he can help, I suggest he try to catch Daisy, because she probably can’t remember what she’s barking at anymore anyhow.

The man comes back, fully dressed, stands in the doorway and starts calling Roscoe – Oh, right! Why didn’t I think of that?! Of course, if I just call him he’ll leave that scrumptious morsel of a walking stinking toy and come right to me!

“Kim” I growl, “come out here and GET THE DOG!”

He comes outside, which distracts Daisy, who Isaiah grabs, which distracts me, so Roscoe starts for the possum, which I notice just in time, so I flash the bright lights in his eyes and lunge just fast enough to grab his collar while he’s stunned.

All the while Kim is walking towards me, in his socks and work clothes. (Did I mention I yelled “Put on you freaking shoes?!” not put your work clothes back on and come out in your socks!”)

He says, now that I have Roscoe by the collar and Isaiah has carried Daisy inside, “What can I do?”

“You can be glad this wasn’t a real emergency, that’s what you can do.”

doomsday preppers quote