It’s Gigantic!

Janine

This week, it is my honor to co-host my favorite blog-hop! (Besides mine, shameless plug) When the call went out for new sentences for Finish the Sentence Friday I thought about how much I enjoy the topics that can be turned to the funny side of things. So I offered “Once I saw the biggest…” And the powers that be accepted me! So here I am, sharing a page with bloggers I have followed and admired for ages with my contribution to Finish the Sentence Friday, I hope you have fun with it too!

Stop me if you’ve heard this story before. Well – don’t – how about you pretend you weren’t one of the 5 people who had nothing better to do on Thanksgiving but read a different version of this story? And in return I will make it more interesting for you.

Scene: Sometime in November, frigid, too much time spent shopping for unnecessary items at Michael’s because all items were an additional 40% off, so – you know.

We now join the Kehls (pr. Keels) in their car, returning home from the restaurant that was much too far away.

With 15 minutes to go Husband starts complaining that he has to pee. Really.
Wife: Dude, you know they had a bathroom at the restaurant don’t you?
Husband, sarcastically: Yes, wife. Please drive faster.
Wife: Because, I can start treating you like our son, and remind you to pee before we get in the car, you know – if that would help?
Husband shoots laser daggers out of his eyes.

Wife, refusing to risk the life of her Most Precious Son, chooses to let Husband suffer.

When the Kehls finally arrive in the narrow, snow-filled driveway, Husband does the jump and run while the car is still moving. The Most Precious Son runs after him – leaving Wife to lug all the bags in – as usual.

After completing her fifth trip Wife removes the layers off winter gear and sighs as she feels the warmth of the kitchen. Looking up she sees the Most Precious Son waiting for her, vibrating with excitement.
Most Precious Son: Mom! Roscoe pooped on the floor by the front door! (Roscoe’s favorite “spot”)

Does this look like a dog that would poop on the floor?

Does this look like a dog that would poop on the floor?

Wife, incredulous: No he didn’t. (Surely MPS is joking because Roscoe has been housebroken for ages)
Most Precious Son: Yes he did mom! And you should see all the pee! There’s tons and tons of pee!
Wife, dejectedly: Man, this is just what I need right now.
Most Precious Son: And mom! Wait until you see the poop, it’s Gigantic!
Wife wearily grabs a bunch of plastic grocery bags, the vinegar and water spray and the paper towels, shoots Roscoe a dirty look and a “naughty boy!” and trudges to the front door.

Yes, the mess was right in front of the hall bathroom, which was still occupado, as Husband calls through the door: What? He peed on the floor? Why did he pee on the floor?
Right, exactly the question Wife was pondering, Why? NOT. The only Why she was pondering was Why was she the one who always cleaned up the dogs messes.

Wife to Husband: Dude, didn’t you see it? You had to walk right over it to get to the bathroom!
Husband: I don’t know, I had to go so bad I just ran here, I probably jumped over it.
Wife rolls her eyes, only a husband would jump over pee and not remember.
Wife looks down and her eyes pop out of her head cartoon style! It was gigantic: Husband, are you sure you didn’t poop on the floor?
Husband: What?! Of course I didn’t poop on the floor!
Wife: Man, this poop is gigantic! Roscoe must have held it forever!
At this point, Husband opens the door and says in classic Husband fashion (which is laughing like it’s no big deal and not acknowledging that there is a wife on her hands and knees cleaning the floor): Wow! I can’t believe that didn’t rip his butt open!
Wife: Husband! That’s disgusting! (Although he has a point, Roscoe only weighs 18 pounds, it is pretty big.)

Suddenly Wife realizes Most Precious Son is awfully quiet, and watching her clean (which is odd when there is an iPad/TV/Dog to torture).
Most Precious Son: Mom, Roscoe didn’t poop on the floor.
Wife stops in mid wipe. The cogs in her brain start turning; processing, processing, processing. Could it have been Daisy? No, she’s only 10 pounds. Tilting her head to show her question mark eyebrows she looks at Most Precious Son.
Most Precious Son: Mom, it was me
Wife: What? (surely hear ears are broken)
Most Precious Son: It was me.
Wife: You went to the bathroom on the floor?!
Now Most Precious Son is talking really fast: Well, I came in the house and I really had to go to the bathroom and I got here and poppy was already in the bathroom and it was already coming out and I didn’t know what to do so I pulled my pants down and went to the bathroom here.
Wife, still not processing: What?
Most Precious Son: I did it mom!

Wife thinks for a moment and then yells: Dude! Husband! It was Isaiah!
Husband yells back from the kitchen where he is eating something disgusting and can’t tear himself away to answer politely: What was Isaiah?
Wife walks towards the kitchen since manners do not escape her notice: Isaiah went to the bathroom on the floor!
At this point it was all up for grabs, Wife begins laughing so hard she almost peed on the floor. And although Most Precious Son was really sorry, she didn’t even care, she really felt bad for her Most Precious Son! And then finally, all of her wheels clicked in to place, and it was like she was seeing everything brand new. How had she missed the clues? Most Precious Son wasn’t wearing the same pants he had worn all day – new clothes, giant poop, and a husband who jumped over a disgusting mess and didn’t notice?

Wife knew this would be a story for the ages. Someday she would say to her grandchildren, “Did I ever tell you about the day I saw the most gigantic poop laying on my front hall floor?”

This post was for Finish the Sentence Friday, the sentence was “I once saw the biggest…”

Your hosts are the fabulous:

Janine Huldie of Confessions of a Mommyaholic
Kate Hall of Can I Get Another Bottle of Whine
Kristi Campbell of Finding Ninee
Stephanie Sprenger of Mommy, For Real

Now Play Along! Since this week I am the most faboo Co-Host who came up with the sentence, I will feel extra special if you all join in!

  • Definitely a story for ages and very much remember you sharing this back last year and still makes me giggle when I get to the pouch line. Great way to end the sentence and seriously thank you for co-hosting with us this week. So happy to have you join us!! πŸ™‚ReplyCancel

  • Hilarious!!! I’m going to be giggling about that one for a while. It’s more funny to me that he came to tell you that there’s pee everywhere and you weren’t the bit suspicious of him. Poor Roscoe, that picture totally says, “It wasn’t me mom, you gotta believe me.” LOL!!!!!ReplyCancel

  • well, as you know (or maybe don’t because maybe you are as busy or busier than I am and don’t remember jack sh!t – I am too scared to swear here anymore even though it is my nature- um yeah go on) that I LOVED LOVED LOVED and ew’ed this story when well, it happened, because yuck and icky and well, my life, too.
    And you are right. Some day, this is going to be the very best story for the grandchildren, ever.ReplyCancel

  • BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

    At least if Most Precious Son is truthful (eventually) and owning up and NOT letting the dog get in trouble, Mother Dearest can be certain she’s doing a good job of raising him πŸ˜€ReplyCancel

  • I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING…what a story…this is great. I love that you also tried to blame hubby…I must say MSP was honest and didn’t want his dog getting in trouble.ReplyCancel

  • I did read this before and it still cracked me up!!! EWWWWW Oh and i failed the freaking math question below and CATCHA got me. twiceReplyCancel

  • Hahahaha, that’s too funny! What a good boy for fessing up so quickly!

    I once peed on my wife’s (she was my girlfriend then) baseball hat in the middle of the night (I may or may not have been drinking and it was pitch black in that room so I may have been discombobulated) and blamed my lab, Natty. Natty took the blame for that to her grave. I eventually fessed up when I was comfortable that she wouldn’t divorce me over it. The guilt was too much. Your boy did the right thing.ReplyCancel

  • Knowing the outcome did not affect my enjoyment of the story one bit! πŸ™‚ Loved. And what a fun topic suggestion for FTSF, I love seeing how each blogger took this to a different direction as opposed to some of these subjects that we all tend to go to the same place with.ReplyCancel

  • WHOA! I was not expecting that.

    I was about to tell you that dogs poop on purpose sometimes because they are mad, but now I have no advice to give.

    I think Isaiah should have just blamed it on the dog. It would have saved him from the embarrassing stories that will be coming his way but I applaud his honesty!

    LOVED IT!ReplyCancel

  • Lol. Even better the second time. (This arithmetic problem was more difficult than the others… I wonder if it’s testing me.)ReplyCancel

  • Aren’t kids awesome?
    And by the way, I am the husband on car trips…I have the bladder of a hamster and always end up leaving hubs to lug in everything on his own…but I would totally be the one cleaning up the poop.ReplyCancel

  • Yikes!! We once fished a pebble turd out of Lily’s footy pyjamas, no idea how it got there, since she’s worn a diaper. The times poop makes us laugh hysterical πŸ™‚ Have a great weekend, Kate!ReplyCancel

  • Shut. Up. Am I dumb that I didn’t see it coming, or are you just that awesome of a storyteller? Let’s go with the last one. Also, every stinkin’ week I forget that we have a co-hostesses. Every one. I write my post at the last minute and forget to check, and I have yet to list one of the co-hosts on my post. I suck. Please don’t be mad. And I actually hadn’t read this before, and I LOVE it! Hilarious.ReplyCancel

  • Jennifer Steck

    What a riot!! Bravo to your son for ‘fessing up to what had to have been an embarrassing moment…and good Roscoe who kept his muzzle shut. Haha!ReplyCancel

  • Is it bad that I was expecting you to say that your husband did it??? I kept telling myself “He’s a gown man. That’s ridiculous. That can’t be how it ends!” Never dawned on me it might have been the son! Too funny!ReplyCancel

  • I’ve had this almost exact same thing happen. Like you’re surprised.ReplyCancel

  • Oh my Lawd, Jen! You are hilarious! Can I have the line “only a husband would jump over pee and not remember” embroidered on a pillow? That had me rolling. I really did not want to visualize the poop, but you took me there and now I am terrified of how big my kids’ poop will be when they are as old as Isaiah! That was a close one for Roscoe!;)ReplyCancel

  • Oh yeah, how could I forget this story? Ick. πŸ˜‰ReplyCancel

  • Just as funny the second time around, Jen. Although that’s because it wasn’t my kid who pooped on the floor. At least it wasn’t the carpet (it wasn’t, was it?). When my dog has stomach issues she seeks out the shag carpet as the spot to relieve herself. Good thing it’s a dark purple!ReplyCancel

  • SO GROSS. so gross. motherhood comes with so many indignities.ReplyCancel

  • Nothing beats a poop memory.
    I’m dying laughing.ReplyCancel

    • Jennifer Kehl

      It will be with us for ever Kimberly.ReplyCancel

  • OMG. LOL! That poor kid. My brother used to just go outside, but I guess it was too cold for that. πŸ™‚ReplyCancel

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